second chances

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This guy asked me once if I believed in second chances.

I guess I do, up til a sertain point.

I guess we all look for that special someone, and if we find him, we always seem to be to blind to see it.

What if we had all we ever wanted, but gave it away for one lousy night of fun.

What if we could right the wrongs, and make up for our sins.

Even if we did all that, would we still deserve forgiveness.

Should one be forgived for breaking someones heart completely.

What if that person don't wanna talk to you, or even look at you.

What if you were all they wanted, and they told the world.

What if you broke their heart, in front of the world.

What if friendship became love, but you were too blind to see it.

They say you hurt the ones you love, and they're right. You do, you always do.

And years later, when the one you love won't even talk to you, then you realize what a jerk you once were.

The thing is, do you have the guts to do something about it.

Do you have the guts to track them down and make they see that you love them, make them see thay they are the one you need.

And in the end, if they won't take you back, and you prepared to live life without them, and if not, end it all.

So many questions I'd like to have answered, but I don't know if I have the currouage to.

I lost my love, and I guess now, so many years later, I finally realize what I've wanted all these years.

It's time though, to do what has to be done.

I just hope he believes in second chances, cause if he doesn't, I might as well jump off a bridge today.

*****

I put down my pen and look at the red and black book in front of me. It's my journal. I never had a journal before, but I guess now is a good a time as any to start one. And I guess it's about time.

Before, I always had to keep my thoughts, and feelings, to myself, and I guess we all remember where that got me. But that's a long time ago, over ten years. It's funny how time moves so fast. I can remember those days like it was yesterday. I can also remember the only reason I am now sitting in my house in Hollywood, all alone.

We were famous, called ourselves the Backstreet Boys. A boyband they called us, and we tried so hard to fight the label they gave us, to gain respect from the industry as we called it, and to make people realize that we were actually normal people. We had out fair share of fifteen minutes I suppose, and girls loved us in a way I could never understand.

But I didn't care, not really. Sure it's great to have thousands of girls think you're hot and sexy, but to me they were just girls, screaming at AJ, the man onstage. Gave me some problems that, AJ. A stage persona I slowly became. I was Alex no more, and I pretty much almost ruined my entire life.

That was about the time things started to change though. I started to see things in a new light. I got out of rehab, and suddenly everything seemed so much clearer, and more frightening. I saw what I had been doing to myself, but I also saw something else, something I'd been trying to deny for years.

I was gay.

It was as simple as that really, in the beginning.

I stayed away from alcohol, and drugs, and girls. No one seemed to notice though, except one man.

That would be Nick by the way. He's not as dumb as people think. Actually he's pretty smart, for a blonde.

He saw that I had changed in more ways than one, and somehow he got it into his blonde head that he wanted to play match maker. It seems he'd known for a while that Brian was gay, and that that had been the reason he and Leighanne got divorsed after less than a year of marriage.

I guess it shocked me, in the beginning, that he was gay I mean. Because I hadn't realized it. I had been looking for someone to love, and Brian was right in front of me and I didn't see it.

Well, I did see HIM, but not that he was gay. I had a cruch on him, and somehow I think Nick knew that as well. Don't ask me how.

One day when I opened the door to my hotelroom I found Nick sitting there, with Brian, and Nick had a huge grin on his face. Then he got up, and told me he had fixed me a date. Then he simply left, and I was alone in the room with Brian.

We talked alot that night, about everything. I found out he had a cruch on me as well. It was nothing resembling love, not at that time. Instead it was something else, like curiousity maybe. I really don't know. But that night when he left my room I got my first kiss, from a guy. It was sweet and different, and I loved it.

That one date resulted in several, and in less than a month me and Brian were a couple, meaning the others actually knew. And they understood, though Kevin didn't like it very much. I think he believed that I had corrupted his innocent cousin in some way or another, and that I was just using him. Either way, he didn't like it, but he accepted Brian's decition.

Over a year went by, and me and Brain were having the time of our lives, we thought. Our new album even got us a Grammy, believe it or not. It sure as well caught me by surprise. But what came as a bigger surprisen was Brian's words as he accepted the award. "I love you AJ"

Four little words, that scared the shit out of me. And shocked the hell of a lot of people. I kissed him then, onstage in front of, well, millions I'd guess, and I told him that I loved him. Four simple words indeed, that had no meaning to me. At the time I figured sure, why not. We've been dating for so long it's probably love.

But it wasn't, not then. I realized that about three months later. I didn't love Brian anymore, I never did. It had been curiousity, and probably a great deal of lust, but it wasn't love.

That was when the tough time started. I pretty much started to treat him like crap, and I started drinking again. Had to go to rehab a second fucking time. Brian was a wreck, crying over me and all. He said he didn't understand how I could do that to myslef. Looking back, I don't get it either. I was a jerk. An idiot. One fucking son of a bitch. Why? Because of what I told him.

I said it straight out. I don't love you. I never loved you. I'm breaking up with you. I'm seeing someone else.

The last shocked him most of all. The guy was someone I met at a bar. I had a grand ol time with him. He was one good fuck. I told Brian that as well.

That was the end, of everything. Brian refused to talk to me, Kevin hated my guts, Howie tried to stay my friend, but it didn't last long. And Nick, he hit me. That was his way of dealing. Giving me one black eye and a warning never to come close to any of them ever again.

I didn't really care. I left, moved to LA, got a nice house, still live in it. I had enough money to last a hundred lifetimes. For me, life was good.

I was stupid. I mean, look at me know. I'm in my late 30s, single, gay, living in a huge house and I have no friends. Well, no real friends anyway. I lost all that when I lost Brian.

*****

I stand in the rain, watching his house. He's in there, in the warmth, and I'm out here.

Fitting.

I found him a month ago, but I haven't talked to him yet. He's knows I'm here, watching him, but he does not try to contact me, and I do not try to contact him. It's the way it has to be.

I just left another rose on his doorstep.

I've done that every day since I found him again.

It's been a long time, but I still remember, and I know he does to.

I always used to do that, give him flowers. A rose actually. One single red rose for each day.

I don't know if he still has them. I guess a man can wish, but I doubt it. I believe he threw those away the day I told him I never loved him.

What a fool I was.

I want him to forgive me, I want him to tell me everything is going to be alright.

But I know it's not alright, and I don't know if he'll ever forgive me.

I broke his heart, big time.

If someone had done that to me, I'd walk away from him as well. Walk away without a word.

All the guys did that. I haven't talked to them in what, seven years. That's a long time.

The one thing I can't understand though is why Brian hasn't called the cops on me. I mean, I'm out here every night, staring at his house. I've followed him around, watched him. He's looking good. He knows I'm here, he's seen me more than once. But he's never acknowledged me, never even glanced in my direction.

He knows I'm here, but not why. And he's not in a hurry to find out. He knows I'll tell him, when I'm ready. Maybe he's hoping, like me, that the two of us can work things out, that we can get the love of our life back.

Though I don't know if I'm the love of his life.

A tear falldown my face as the image of Brian in love with someone else enters my head.

If I have a choice of watching him with someone else, or death, I'd choose death.Tthe other would be too much. But I am not giving up yet. I refuse to give up while there is still hope.

And as long as I stand out here in the rain, staring at his house, doing nothing, there's still hope.

But I'm not going to stand out here forever. I have plans.

Tomorrow is Valentines Day, and then I will bring him more than flowers.

But I will not approach him.

Not yet.

I'll wait til the 20th, his birthday.

I don't know why, but something tells me that is the day I'll have the best chance of getting him back. I need to show him that I care, and that I'm sorry.

I hope he'll understand.

I take my eyes off his house as I return to the crappy motel where I'm staying under a false name. Hiding has gotten easier over the years, but I still try to keep a low profile.

A smile creeps over my face.

Tomorrow I'll show him how much he means to me.

I hope he'll get the message.

*****

It's raining again. Who would have thought it could rain this much in this part of the country. The rain doesn't bother me though, it really doesn't.

It's Valentine's Day, the day for lovers.

We were lovers once, but those days are long gone.

I had what I wanted and let it go. I did mention I'm a complete idiot right? I sure hope I did, cuz that's what I am. I had the one thing I needed to stay alive, the one thing that kept me going, but I let him go. Heck, I might as well have chased him out the freaking door, if you think of what I did, and said.

Oh yeah, I'm an idiot.

Which is why I am standing here, in the rain. He's been out and saw the roses. I left two dousin red roses on his doorstep early this morning, along with a nicely wrapped box of his favourite chocolate. It didn't rain then. It only started about an hour ago.

He didn't look surprised, but I don't think he was expecting that. He looked in my directions, but if he saw me he didn't do anything about it. He brought everything inside, and then closed the door again.

I don't dare to go closer, in fear he might see me, want to talk to me.

I'm not ready to talk, not now.

I look at his house one more time, before I turn around and walk away.

I will be ready, soon.

On his birthday he'll get the surprise of his lifetime.

*****

My diary. So much written there, so many thoughts about the past. I've written a lot in it these last few days, and now I've got only one page left. One page that I'll leave til this evening.

This evening.

The time has come. Today is his birthday, and I have eveything ready.

I will only get one chance to make him see how sorry I am, to make him see that I love him more than anything else in the world, and that I'd die without him.

Whatever happens today, my diary will tell this evening. Whatever I choose to do I will write there, and I can only pray that I will write down what I want to, and not what I will be forced to.

So complicated, my life is now.

I tried to write Brian a song. I used to be a fairly good writer, but of course, it was Brian who was the best of us all.

I can do poems though, but right now I'm not even good at that.

I'll just have to take things as they come, and hope he forgives me.

Since the poem and song didn't work out, I digged up this old recording I've got of the two of us singing Shape of my Heart. It was just for the heck of it, in those early days of our relationship.

That tape is a part of his present now, and I hope he'll understand. I never thought I'd use our song in a way like this. Not with Brian anyway.

*****

It's still pretty dark when I arrive at his house. I leave a single rose on the doorstep, along with a small box. Inside the box I've put the tape, and a small necklace he once gave me. One half of a heart, with his name in it, and the chineese signs for Eternity on the back.

I don't know if he still has the part with my name in it, or if he even cares that I kept my half. But it's the only gift I can think of giving him, the only thing I can think of that will make him see that I still care.

I mean, if the roses and candy haven't said that already.

It's not raining today. Not today. The sun is shining, and it's turning out to be quite a nice day.

He woke up about three hours ago, and found the rose and box on his doorspet.

He picked them both up, and walked back inside.

It's almost time now, for me to make my move. I should be going down there, to tell him that I love him, and that life won't be the same without him.

I won't tell him I won't have a life if he says no, I guess he'll figure that out along with the rest of the world.

This is it, it's now or never.

I walk slowly down to the door, and gently knock on the black wood, holding up a single red rose.

I can hear footsteps inside, and have to fight my legs to stay still. They seem to wanna run and hide.

I don't know if I'm ready for this, but it's now or never. I need to know if he believes we can make this work, if he believes in second chances.

The door is moving.

I look up, and my eyes meet Brian's for the first time in over ten years.

Please Believe.

*****

It's strange, how you wish for something for so long it becomes the only thing on your mind.

You let everything else go, and think only of that one thing.

That one person.

Believe, please believe you may beg. But in the end begging may not be the answer.

The answer.

Oh I waited so long to get mine.

I planned how to make him love me again.

I planned how to make him see that I care.

I thought I'd planned everything.

I was wrong.

You can never plan how a person will react.

You can never plan their actions.

They might hurt you.

And they might not.

But it's their choice, you cannot make it for them.

All you can do is pray.

I've done that alot lately.

Was it all for nothing?

Did God not listen this time?

I dunno.

I just don't know.

Bridges.

I've seen quite a few in my life.

Lately, I've been planning which one to jump from if today would go badly.

I decided on this one right outide town.

It's not too high, but I'll die for sure if I jump.

Death.

I guess it's supposed to scare me, but it doesn't.

Am I ready for it?

I think not.

Brian.

I love him.

I did everything for him.

What did he do?

All that he could.

And that is all I can ever ask.

If I have the right to ask anything at all.

I gotta go now.

It's raining again, but getting wet isn't really a problem.

I've got things to do.

Life.

I'd give mine for Brian if he asked me to.

I really would.

Wondering how things went with Brian?

I'll let you know, but not in too many words.

Only two words actually.

He Believes.

Peace Out

Alex

FIN.

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